Why Ellen Can't Read

Maybe it's a failure to really focus. Maybe she's ADD. Maybe she flunked reading. Maybe the animal rescue peeps failed to do what every animal rescue peep I've ever encountered do routinely: verbally underscore the key points in the contract. Whatever the reason, the fact remains that because Ellen DeGeneres did not understand her contract, she fucked over her hairdresser's little girls, but good.

The 49-year-old explained she had adopted a puppy named Iggy from an animal rescue centre on September 20, but, despite training and neutering, Iggy failed to impress the comedian's cats. On hearing her hairdresser was looking for a family pet, and to prevent her feline friends suffering further distress, DeGeneres gave the dog away. When pet rescue agency Mutts and Moms heard of Iggy's new domestic arrangements, it informed DeGeneres that giving away the Brussels Griffon terrier cross was a breach of the adoption contract she had signed. The agency reclaimed the dog, leaving the hairdresser's two young daughters distraught.

And, in a passive-aggressive way, she's (inadvertently?) pinning it on the animal rescue folks.

She went on to beg Mutts and Moms to return the dog to her hairdresser's family. "Well, I guess I signed a piece of paper that says if I can't keep Iggy, it goes back to the rescue organisation, which is not someone's home, which is not a family. These two little girls had bonded to the dog. I thought I did a good thing. I tried to find a loving home for the dog because I couldn't keep it. I was trying to do a good thing. "Because I did it wrong, those people went and took that dog out of their home, and took it away from those kids. I feel totally responsible for it and I'm so sorry. I'm begging them to give that dog back to that family. I just want the family to have their dog. It's not their fault, it's my fault. I shouldn't have given the dog away. Just please give the dog back to those little girls. I'm sorry I didn't call you. I'm sorry I did the wrong thing. Just give it back to the family. Please, please, please."

I hear the Mutts and Moms dudes are getting death threats and have had to fill out a police report..

I mean, come ON. All rescue groups make you sign that pretty basic, easily understood contract because they don't want to have you go dumping the dog in the street, or giving it to inappropriate people. They take doggy things very seriously. They interview you. They visit your home, sometimes. They make sure you understand how much trouble a dog can be. Frankly, I'm a bit surprised they didn't do a trial with Iggy, knowing DeGeneres had cats. Cats are particular about who they permit to be their slaves, after all.

So I guess I'm not understanding why the hairdresser couldn't go to Mutts and Moms and fill out their own contract and get Iggy back. Can't be that difficult.

I adore my own pups and have bonded very deeply with them, but they are dogs. Not humans. While it would break my heart to lose them, I know it's more likely I will outlive them anyway. As I've so far outlived all of my previous pets. I can and will get another dog. If re-adopting Iggy is out of the question for some bizarre reason, the hairdresser can get another dog for her girls. Not the optimal solution, but better than pining, innit.