November 2007 Archives

I do not know who Megara is, but I rather like her.

Which Disney Heroine Are You?

Megara Take this quiz!

You know how irritating, inconveniencing, sometimes outright bad things all seem to cluster and hit you at once? The adage "trouble comes in threes" doubtless comes from that natural phenomenon. I suspect it's one of those laws of the universe, alongside Newton's and Einstein's.

Today was my day.

I will spare you the dull details of a wittering, whining list that includes sleep deprivation, no filter in the coffee maker, leaving late for work, empty gas tank, closed gas stations, freeway drivers who seem to have been outsourced to the monkey house of the Brooklyn Zoo, locked office entrances, slippery sidewalks, dropping things, spilling things ...

I am determined, however, to graduate from Grumpy U, and become a full fledged Disney Princess, and so I shall put a positive spin on this:

I am alive.
I have not (yet) killed anyone.

Yay me!

... but implants last forever.

Days like this are made for bloggers because, hello, there's a ready made blogTopic for ya. Where would we be without the obligatory list of things for which to be thankful?

Here's mine:

1. Global Warming; it's a delightful 73 degrees here. If we were having global freezing, I'm sure I'd not be able to wear my bikini as I sit out by the pool sipping an adult beverage while watching my turkey get deep fried.

2. High Oil Prices; I'm figuring I can get a bundle on e-bay for all the used peanut oil, sold to someone who does bio-diesel.

3. Gay Rights; the hetero couple that used to live in the house behind me had, like, a gazillion screeching children that only seemed to increase by a factor of 10 on holidays like Thanksgiving. So thank you, Steve and Jim, for being my new neighbors.

4. Obesity; I can eat all the turkey 'n stuffing 'n cranberry sauce 'n pie I want because no matter how much I eat today, I'm not going to approach the national average, weight-wise.

5. Conservatives; They're doing the whole Family Values thing, which means they are staying the hell off of my roads today, God Bless 'em.

6. Liberals; They're feeling too guilty about using up our precious resources, which means they are staying the hell off of my roads today -- secular good wishes to them all.

7. Black Friday; While millions rush to the stores tomorrow, I will be taking advantage of all the great on-line sales. Let's see, I need a new flat screen television, a GPS device, a ...

8. Christmas; Just think! Only 33 days to go, and then the stores, malls, and radio stations will finally stop playing all that wretchedly repetitious Christmas Music!

9. Illegal Immigration; if all the criminals are flowing over the borders into the US, think how safe the beaches in Mexico are these days!

10. Chocolate; the food of the gods. See "Obesity."

11. Apple, Sony, Kenwood; they made Christmas shopping for the family really easy

12. My family, my friends, my home; so I have to have at least one serious entry!

13. You

As if having the most golf courses per capita is not enough for Arizona -- the land that may be running with milk 'n honey, but doesn't exactly corner the market on water.

"Developers plan to build a massive new water park that would offer surf-sized waves, snorkeling, scuba diving and kayaking - all in a bone-dry region that gets just 8 inches of rain a year. "

The park will presumably use up to 100 million gallons of water a year.

I'm being asked to install low flow shower heads and waterless toilets, to rip out my small lawn and replace it with rocks, to plant "native" plants, and to replace the water in my swimming pool with those plastic balls you see at kiddie amusement centers. Okay, maybe not that last. I'd always thought, however, that the purpose behind these "earth-friendly" requests was to conserve a precious resource in these drought-ridden days and I'm actually happy to do some of that. 'Specially the plastic balls. Kinky sex, innit.

I did not realize that I was supposed to save water so that some ersatz beach butthead who wants to carve a chunk of desert into yet another playground could have it.

Waveyard's developer, Mladick, who is 39, says he wants to create the kind of lush environment he remembers from growing up in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and surfing in Morocco, Indonesia, Hawaii and Brazil. "I couldn't imagine raising my kids in an environment where they wouldn't have the opportunity to grow up being passionate about the same sports that I grew up being passionate about," he said.

It's called "move" dumbass. If you can't imagine your crib monkeys growing up in a fucking desert, then move your crotch fruit out of the fucking desert, is what I'm saying.

Or, he could wait until Cali breaks away, and the ice caps melt in this global warming thinger.

I never used to watch much television, however last Fall I started getting hooked on a variety of television shows and, once hooked, the habit grew. I've added shows to my list of "must watch."

I record them on a DVR and watch them later, skipping past the commercials.

This works great for the shows I watch that are on CBS, NBC, USA, etc.

For shows on ABC, however, I'm getting screwed out of the endings.

Every episode of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice has had some crucial bit of personal dialogue going on when my recording stopped, leaving me hanging.

My clock is correct. All other programs start and stop correctly. Just the ones on ABC do not.

A friend mentioned that he lost the end of Women's Murder Club -- guess which network that one's on?

Anyone else notice this? Anyone know why this is the case?

I knew it was a solicitation sort of call, because the caller ID said "Out of Area" and gave a funky phone number that could not exist in the world's telephone numbering scheme. And, when I answered, there was a lengthy space of silence. That's a dead give-away.

I'm on the National Do Not Call Registry. I have been since that started, and have renewed it. I hate telemarketing calls. I hate any unsolicited calls that are not from friends or family.

The silence was followed by a spurt of white noise as the dialing 'bot registered my response and clicked over to the telemarketer guy, and a fuzzy, accented voice that sounded distantly digitized asked, "May I speak with <the younger gekko>?"

The younger gekko, formerly known as "The Boy", has not lived here for over a year. He's adult-aged now, and living on his own.

But, as I say, I was spoilin' for a fight.

"May I speak with <the younger gekko>?"

"No."

"I beg your pardon?"

"No. You may not speak with <the younger gekko>."

"Is there a time when he will be available for me to speak with?"

"I am speaking English. Perhaps you are having difficulty with that language?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"You may not speak with <the younger gekko>."

"Will there be a more convenient ..."

"I have forbidden you to speak with <the younger gekko>. There will be no convenient time for you to call. <The younger gekko> is no longer your concern. If you cannot adjust to that reality, then I suggest you seek counseling."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Depending on where you live, I can perhaps recommend a therapist for you to help you deal with your disappointment. It is clear you are having difficulty making this adjustment. I am sorry to be so harsh, but that is just how it must be. You are forbidden to speak with <the younger gekko>, and that's final."

"I will call back at a more convenient time."

"That would be inadvisable. I would have to find you and spank you if you do that."

The caller disconnected.

I felt much better.