Choosing the Right Candidate

I just got my early primary ballot for the Republican Party -- yeah, I'm registered Repub. See, here's the thing. I'm hoping I can make my voice count. Lord knows that party needs all the help it can get, right?

It's just so important to vote, and to make an informed, conscientious decision. Briefly, here're some of my weighty and vital thoughts on the candidates:

James Creighton Mitchell, Jr -- Ogawd, guy's gonna be one a them family-money lawyer types, I just know it. I mean, I know plenty of people who have juniors and threes after their names, but only pretentious twits go around actually using those. Betcha he's got a blue-blood Mom whose maiden name was Creighton. He is just SO not getting my vote.

Mitt Romney -- So he's got my interest because of his hunk-factor. He's a guy babe, no doubt about it. But, c'mon. Mitt? And isn't his real first name "Willard"? (Note: see, I do my research!). So who wants a guy who evokes either a chunky hand covering or a disturbed loner with rats for best friends as the next Prez? So this is devilish. Vote for cute, vote for rat friend ... I'll put a tick mark there for now.

Ron Paul -- Two first names? That is so wrong.

Mike Huckabee -- Anyone here picture a blue cartoon hound dog when they hear this guy's name? I just don't think I'm ready to stomach four or more years of hearing "President Huckabee" over and over and over again, y'know?

Michael Burzynski -- So I work with a guy who has the last name "Burzynski", so this'd be almost like voting for family, right? I'll put a little tick mark next to his name for further consideration.

Sean "CF" Murphy -- "CF"? "CF"??? WTF? Anyway, his last name is the same as my dog's name, and she's evil. I'll give him a pass.

John McCain -- S'posed to be the favorite son, right? AZ Senator, but he's gotten so ... spotty. A spotty guy in the Oval Office? When we can have Mitt the babe? I don't think so.

Rudy Giuliani -- He's from New York. No. Just ... no. They may make good pizza and good bagels, and be fantastic beat cops, but being Presnut isn't a job I figure a New Yorker is ready for.

Alan Keyes -- I had hope for him. Name that's easy to hear. He's "articulate," as they say. Good looking. But then I heard about that unfortunate thing about turning his back on his daughter. Even Cheney didn't turn his back on his daughter, so Keyes isn't my guy. Ya gotta love your kids, man.

Jack Shepard -- This is sad for Jack. So very sad. See, if you pop this guy's name into Google or Wikipedia, you get corrected to "Shepherd" and directed toward British actors, criminals, and cave divers. He's such a nobody that even the peeps who did his web page couldn't be arsed to do a good job. And it's totally icky that this guy's got a pic of Jesse Jackson on his page. He's out.

This is all rather discouraging. Maybe I'll register as a Democrap because they have more interesting candidates to pick over.