June 2008 Archives

I know I will be there sooner than I like. I know that it isn't easy -- my father is fond of repeating (often) (way often) that "growing old isn't for the weak of heart." I am sorry the elderly are so easily confused, and so filled with aches and pains -- I can nearly empathize, fuck sake.

But when I see a truth, I have a compulsion to express it no matter how politically uncorrect, and, as god is my witness, going to Costco on a Friday afternoon is like visiting the set for Night of the Living Dead.

Think "shambling." Only instead of sticks and rocks, they use grocery carts.

Somebody is cloning dogs. The Koreans announced it earlier this year, but some Cali firm is gonna auction off five Clone Sessions, with starting bids at a hundred grand.

Scientists consider dogs among the most difficult animals to clone because they have an unusual reproductive biology, more so than humans. But the company behind the auctions, BioArts International, maintains that the technology is ready, and it is calling the dog cloning project Best Friends Again. It has scheduled the auctions for June 18.

That reproductive biology difference -- most female mammals go into estrus often. Humans, for example, do it roughly every 28 days. Some more often than that. And in most mammals, it's a regular, predictable thing. Not only that, but it can be hormonally induced. Dogs, however, go into estrus once every six to 12 months. It isn't regular, it isn't predictable, and it cannot be hormonally induced.

Kinda envious here -- a period only every six to 12 months?

Not only that, but when they got spayed, my dogs didn't get hot flashes. That is SO not fair.

Work: it isn't just for sleeping any more. I've changed my weekday morning routine. Used to be, in order to get a good hour of work-out in, shower, dress, eat and get to work at a time when traffic was most tolerable, I'd have to arise at 3:41 am. I'm an early person anyway, so this wasn't a terrible stretch for me, but it did mean that I had to go to bed while it was still light out, or suffer from sleep deprivation. My lifestyle just didn't fit with the whole bed in the daylight thing, so I opted for the deprivation.

That made driving home from the office really interesting.

I'd like to take this moment to thank all those drivers on the freeway and surface streets who avoided hitting me a few weeks back. Owe ya.

Well, it dawned on me when I got my bike: I cut back on my days in the office. I now work from home more days of the week than I drive in. So WTF was I still holding to the old commute schedule?

I now sleep an extra hour, cut my gym time down a bit (get the extra exercise on the bike, innit), and can just manage to make it to my first meeting of the morning -- still sweaty and stuff from the gym, but hey! They don't have to see or smell me, so ...

Have a great weekend, peeps!

This man is a liar. He is a bald-faced deceiver. He doesn't just prevaricate, he postvaricates, subvaricates and ubervaricates. There is more fabric in his fabrication than can be found in one of Scarlet O'Hara's largest hoop skirts. His fibs are so egregious, politicians study them in pre-law.

In short, I am disappointed.

Remember when this ... this ... pseudologue of a man ... exclaimed, gasped and burbled about how his microwave popcorn was so amazing that you would experience "most every kernel popped"?

Remember?

Well. Here's what came out of a 1.2 oz bag of Orville Redenbacher's "SmartPop" 100 calorie bags of microwave popcorn:

That is about half the contents of the bag.

He sucks.

Rescue crews had to cut apart a portable toilet to rescue a man who got stuck naked inside the potty.

Gotta be really drunk, and really really hot, I'd think, to even consider this solution.

Now that I'm getting loads of extra exercise, I find myself even more in need of snacks to keep me from either passing out from hunger, or snarfing down every bit of food in sight because I think I'm really hungry.

I try to look for healthy snacks, of course. Low fat, high protein, make you feel full, don't crank up my calorie count for little gain, etc.

The snack food industry isn't much help, though. They like to stick little labels on their items to make you think that they're all good for you, but often you're getting something that's only marginally better for you than the worst Mickey D's Super Size meal. They say things like "No Trans Fats!" and "Organic!" They use lots of green ink to make you think you're somehow helping the environment by buying their plastic-wrapped snack instead of the other guy's plastic-wrapped snack.

Responsible snacking, as you can see, is hard work.

Here's a list of some of my favorite snacks that I have found to be reasonably satisfying for a variety of reasons. They also have drawbacks, but they're snacks, so ... Nom!

Apples: quick, easy, cheap, crunchy, sweet, filling. Cut 'em up in the morning, pop 'em into a baggie and have 'em ready. Trouble is that they're sugary carbohydrates with some fiber and vitamins but pretty much no protein. And maybe you want something a bit more toothsome than apples.

Home-made Oatmeal-Applesauce Bars (recipe). I created this recipe by stealing some other recipe and doctoring this until I got what I wanted -- protein-rich, dense, not overly sweet, but still cake-like so it felt sinful. Trouble with these is you have to actually spend time making them, then wrapping them up into little individual sized portions to pop into the brief case. And I often find I can't eat just one ...

Granola Bars: You can buy 'em at the store, so no time spent in the kitchen, and you can find the whole-grain, higher protein, lower-fat varieties quite readily. Trouble with these is they're chock full of sugar. They pretend it's the good-for-you sugar, like from cane instead of corn, or fruit instead of corn, or sugar instead of corn (you get the idea), but it's still way more sugar than the healthy, weight-conscious peep really wants. Of course, you could make your own, but, well ...

Energy Bars: These can almost, but not quite, replace a whole meal. Well, theoretically. They've got pretty much everything you need as far as macronutritients, calories, vitamins and minerals and presumably contain a few things that are supposed to boost your energy levels. The Kashi GoLean variety is my current fave, mostly because I got a huge box of them at Costco and I have to use those up, but the flavor's not bad. Downside to these is that their consistency and flavor is reminiscent of Space Food Sticks ©. Remember those? Oddly flavored sticks of stiffened goo that were supposedly the same stuff that the Apollo Astronauts were eating? Food of the Future? The Kashi sticks have a bit more crunch and better nutritional value. Oh, and they're larger.

Chocolate: Sorry, but sometimes you just gotta have a candy bar right out of the vending machine. Expensive, bad for you, no nutritional value, enabling the big corporate machinery that is exploiting the working man in the third world, contributing to acid rain and deforestation, but, dammit, it tastes good. My current fave is KitKat (nod to Paula).

(Extra credit if you can name that song)

Last Friday I walked out of the gym and looked at my little Honda CR-V. I remembered then that the fuel gage was below the E mark and I wondered if I'd have enough to get home. Later, after putting a mere $60 into the tank, I thought, "It is entirely, incredibly stupid for me to be driving this to and from the gym every day. I live a little over two miles away."

Walking, however, would cut into my work-out time without giving me the exercise benefit I get while at the gym. I do intensive cardio and weight training. Walkies are good, but not good enough. Even jogging would cut into the time and, besides, I loathe -- utterly despise -- jogging. It hurts. Jogging is bad for you. It is evil. Normal humans should not jog.

This weekend, however, I hit upon my solution:

My criteria were firm: it had to be comfortable, yet light and zippy. At the same time it had to be sturdy and well-made. So a mid-price, hybrid bicycle with a nice padded comfy saddle, ergo grips, well-designed shifting mechanism, lightweight frame, good quality derailleurs, front suspension is the thing for me.

The bike is perfect. I get the intensive cardio (16 minutes each way, total of 38 minutes and my normal cardio workout at the gym is about 40-50 minutes). I save the $$ from the gasoline, and I get to do something relatively environmentally friendly! Which, while it's not my prime motivator, is certainly a good benefit, yes?

Adding some panniers to hold groceries and I can cut the light shopping gasoline use out, as well.

So watch out for this fat-bottomed girl, cuz she's coming your way!

Cellular provider Verizon Wireless has gone shopping, and selected competitor Alltel to be their next purchase.

Chad is apparently worth $28.1 billion lettuce leaves.

But what about Newman?

... But not for love. Or so said Shakespeare in "As You Like It" (IV.i.81-92). That worm that dined on the flesh of dead men may have gotten fat, but if it did, it might have been because of seratonin, rather than overconsumption. A new study -- involving the roundworm C. Elegans -- suggests that increased eating does not necessarily lead to increased fat.

The discovery reveals that the neurotransmitter serotonin, already known to control appetite and fat build-up, actually does so through two separate signaling channels. One set of signals regulates feeding, and a separate set of signals regulates fat metabolism. The worm, known scientifically as Caenorhabdtis elegans, shares half of its genes with humans and is often a predictor of human traits. [...]It is widely believed that environments that encourage excessive food intake and little physical activity promote development of obesity. However, extensive studies have revealed that body weight is not merely a passive consequence of environmental conditions but that a physiological system coordinates the complex mechanisms that regulate food intake and energy expenditure, [Kaveh Ashrafi, PhD, assistant professor of physiology at UCSF and senior author on the scientific paper reporting the study] says. [...]"Obesity and thinness are not solely determined by feeding behavior," the scientists conclude in their paper. "Rather, feeding behavior and fat metabolism are coordinated but independent responses of the nervous system to the perception of nutrient availability."

That's too cool. Since, oh, say, chocolate always increases my serotonin levels, I'd say stocking up on chocolate should be my first step in my fat reduction therapy.