[67]CrackedWit - Stuff I consider funny. YMMV
February 5, 2008
2 comments make for a lot of heat
TrackBack (0)January 19, 2008
Traffic Cameras
by gekko at 10:21 AM as a 
"CrackedWit" poast
I think it's clear who's at fault, here.
December 18, 2007
A kinder, gentler candidate
by gekko at 6:48 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast
Democratic strategist Erik Smith said Clinton appeared to be trying to remind voters why they liked her in the first place."
-- U.S. | Reuters
"I'm not just a cold and politically calculating person, you know. I have a softer, more feminine side," Clinton gushed. "I plan on publishing a cookbook, with all proceeds to be donated to the Susan Whatever fund for ... that disease we women get."
When asked about her furry companion, Clinton smiled softly. "Chihuahuas make the best fajita filling."
December 15, 2007
The Arizona Christmas Song
by gekko at 10:13 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast
The Arizona Christmas Song
(Apologies to Mr. Torme)
Palm fronds dropping in your topless car;
Leaf blowers dusting up your nose.
Golfers, on the greens, complain 'bout their scores,
And folks dressed up in summer clothes.
Everybody sees the malls decked out in mistletoe,
Long before ol' Halloween.
Seasonal folk drive their cars really slow,
And make the Locals really mean.
They know that Santa's at the mall;
Of major credit cards, he takes them all.
And every mother's child is going to sing
Just as the shutter snaps, "Gimme more bling!"
And so I'm slogging through this simple rhyme,
For peeps all lounging 'round the pool,
Although its been said many ways, many times,
Feliz Navidad to you!
November 24, 2007
September 13, 2007
Give me just five minutes
by gekko at 2:44 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
Dogs are pack animals, and when I leave the room, my two usually follow me so's the pack can stay together. If they're snoozin' when I go off to another room, then they set off in search of me when they wake.
So it was that I was sitting in a ... um ... rather small and echoey chamber. I was alone in the house, so I left the door open. A dog trotted past the open door.
A moment later, the dog trotted past headed in the opposite direction.
I could hear a "tick tick tick" of toenails on tile as the second dog headed down the hallway. Teegan was less intent, more cautious in her approach than the first dog, Murphy, who seemed more inclined to just blast ahead in frantic search. Teegan stopped just before reaching the doorway.
I watched.
First her long, black snout appeared, then one eye. Then snout and eye disappeared.
Next, Teegan walked slowly past the door, glancing into the room fully on her way past. She stopped, turned, then passed the door again, stopping and poking her head fully into the room, gazing at me.
Meanwhile, Murphy finished her crazed search of the rest of the house, the yard, and beneath the sofa and came to join Teegan.
While Teegan was still assessing the situation, Murphy burst into the, uh, small echoey chamber, her entire body quivering in a paroxysm of dogmatic celebration at having found me. She bounded over, licked my feet, then bounded back to head-butt Teegan.
What I ask for, O God, is five minutes in the mind of a dog. I really want to know just what the fuck was going on in their heads as they executed these maneuvers. Because they are the most silly-assed damned creatures on this planet, God love 'em.
August 27, 2007
When Technology Goes Too Far
by gekko at 2:51 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
The guys talking about simplicity in the podcast I referred to in this poast mentioned refrigerators. Remember when common household appliances started getting high tech? Someone thought "whoa, put a microprocessor chip into a fridge and you could have it control temperature and humidity 'n stuff. Neat!"
And so they did.
The chipsets they used were fairly generic, cheap ones and they discovered along the way that those chips also let you do voice. Audio. They figured they ought to use that somehow, too, so I guess they developed fridges that could talk to you.
I have no idea what sorts of things the refrigerators actually said. But during my afternoon walk I started thinking about the kinds of useful things they COULD say.
"It's sixty three degrees inside on this beautiful Monday afternoon, and your peaches are at the optimal temperature!"
"Your milk has reached its expiration date. Time to buy more!"
"The kids would like you to know that the spam and bean curd casserole from last week is fuzzy and green. Time to throw it out!"
"I thought you should know, Mrs. Bowman, that Dave has been drinking milk from the carton again. Oh, and he stands with the door open for too long."
"That's, what, the fifth slice of cake in the past hour? That does it. Executing cake lock-down sequence five, four, three ..."
August 19, 2007
Where's gekko (tm)?
by gekko at 5:55 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
Just as in Where's Waldo, see if you can find me in the picture below.
Okay, I'm lying. I am not in that photo at all. But, if I were, I'd be the one with the white butt.
July 29, 2007
June 18, 2007
New Plan
by gekko at 1:26 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
I just posted this on an internal company newsgroup. I hope it works, as it will make my job as a manager much easier.
Okay, Peeps. Lissen up. I just had a disconcerting revelation and I need to make some changes, here.
A friend of mine was talking about "Type A" personalities.
"They're organized."
I gulped. I'm organized, but I'm no type A.
"They are morning people."
I shifted my feet. I am a morning person, but I'm no Type A.
"They're aggressive."
Whew! Thank goodness! I'm not aggre....
My friend begged to differ and pointed out how pushy I can be.
Pushy. Me.
I was voted "Least likely to ever utter a word" in high school. My sixth grade teacher -- honest to God -- wrote on a report back to my parents "Smart, but I would really like it if she would just get up on her desk and shout! She's too withdrawn!"
Then I did a little heartfelt self examination and discovered that over the years I have indeed had to become aggressive and pushy. I've had to rant. I've had to make ... demands. I've had to tell
people what I expected of them, and then make "tsk" sounds at them when they didn't do what I expected.
This is distressing to me, and I expect the entire company to now change in order to help me stop being pushy and aggressive.
Here is my plan:
1. Read my mind
2. Do what I want you to do
3. Tell me you've done it.
'k?
May 30, 2007
Word -- Make sure you're muted
by gekko at 9:24 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast
I am in a lot of teleconferenced meetings -- our work force is spread in four locations. There's a great reason to keep your phone muted as a default when participating in these. Here's a slightly modified example of an actual conversation:
Knowledgeable Guy: The problem I saw as that the frimmitz flimflammed. Our biggest customer Omnipoot is going to run that configuration so ...
Meeting Leader: Yup. Omnipoot is going to run that configuration. That's what I was about to say.
KG: It's clearly an issue with the gobberpickle.
ML: Yes, the gobberpickle. I wondered about that.
KG: If we can fix it, we'll have to ship it in the next tape going to Omnipoot.
ML: Yes, I just wanted to confirm my view on that. That's exactly what I was thinking.
Me: Good God, can he be any MORE obsequious?
<sudden check of phone to make sure I'm muted>
April 14, 2007
Overheard: Grocery store
by gekko at 6:10 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
"All these flavors and types of yogurt. Not one of them soy."
"Mmm-hmmm."
"It's, like, racism. ... Or sexism, or something."
March 2, 2007
Is she soup, yet?
by gekko at 3:09 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
I saw an old CSI re-run, in which our intrepid investigators found a car where a pair of bodies had been stuck in the trunk and left to rot for a few hot summer Las Vegas days. They had to stick their hands into the stuff for some reason. I don't remember why. The bodies had decomposed into a kind of soupy substance and they ended up locating some donuts or bagels or something that had also been in the trunk.
Anyway. I was just wondering if the embalming worked, or if maybe the former Playboy was basically a box full of soup with a couple of large silicon blobs floating in it, or not.
The things I'll think of when sitting in a corporate training program!
February 17, 2007
Top Ten
by gekko at 5:54 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
(e-mail joke goin' around.)
10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
For the #1 thing men know for sure about women ...
1. They have boobs.
February 13, 2007
Call me insensitive
by gekko at 11:50 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast
But when I read this headline: Study ties drop in deaths to a little nap after lunch I started wondering if maybe all psychos needed was a little siesta.
February 10, 2007
[BREAKING NEWS] City to ban thinking!
by gekko at 2:58 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
PHOENIX (GP) -- Lawmakers in this sleepy southwestern city are mulling a decision to fine people who lose themselves in thought $25. Alarmed by a near-miss at a local grocery store parking lot by a red-haired woman who was daydreaming inadvertently stepping into the path of a Ford Explorer that was backing out of a parking space, a city politician is considering introducing legislation this week that would make it an offense, punishable by a $25 fine, to think while walking anywhere near a vehicle.
Mysti LaBamba, city constable, wants the ban proposed in her "distracted walking" bill to be extended to people deep in conversation, reading books and magazines, or looking at passing airplanes.
So far, the legislation is only proposed for the locales in and around Phoenix.
The offense, which would apply to walking, jogging and cycling, would involve a criminal court summons. The offender would have to appear in court to pay the fine rather than simply posting it.
Ms. LaBamba said she knew of two deep-thought-related traffic near-misses in the area since September.
Ms. LaBamba said: "We have a major public safety crisis. If you're so involved in your thoughts about life, or shopping, or whatever that you can't , like, totally notice the car is backing up, or see or hear a car coming, this is indicative of a larger problem that requires some sort of enforcement beyond the application of common sense."
She urged people who think to limit their thinking to the safety of their homes.
In case anyone was wondering
by gekko at 2:56 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
A puppy can learn physics. At least, where wet feet, tile floors, and walls are concerned.
February 5, 2007
Ya Wanna Bet?
by gekko at 12:11 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
I'm finding the bold-italicized and underlined phrase in the paragraph below a bit difficult to believe.
More than 40 percent of teens and preteens surveyed say they've recently come across nudity and pornography on the Internet, and most say they weren't looking for it, according to a study released today. -- 4 in 10 Kids See Adult Material Online: Study - Forbes.com
February 4, 2007
A Word About Handling Jalapenos
by gekko at 6:10 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
Do not chop jalaps, and then try to teach yourself to whistle with two fingers.
January 31, 2007
Raidneck Pickup Lahns -- for them what likes to stereotype*
by gekko at 2:08 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
* done stole from the innernet
January 29, 2007
If Paula and Sylvia go to prison
by gekko at 10:52 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast
They'll want to stay away from Vermont.
At the Southeast State Correctional Facility, inmates are subjected to head counts several times a day. Not Ziggy, Marmalade, Smokey and Shane, though — they come and go as they please. They're prison cats — but only for now. They are being involuntarily paroled by the new superintendent of Vermont's largest women's prison, to the chagrin of inmates who feed them, pay for their care and cherish them. -- Cats in Vt. prison must go, supe says - Yahoo! News
The prison officials "say" that it's because the facility is not conducive to a pet program, but I heard otherwise. It seems the women were training the cats, ostensibly for a circus act.
"We thought it would help, you know, raise money? We could send the cats on tour," said inmate Veera Gandy. "They do these acrobatic things, with barrels and hoops. They finish off the routine with a kitty pyramid. You know. Stacked on top of each other?"
Prison officials were not convinced. "It wasn't so much a pyramid as a cat ladder. We suspect the inmates were planning an escape."
Anyway, no room in the Vermont women's correctional system for Teekers or that scary Siamese kitty that lives at Sylvia's.
Word, GFs.
NB: I am SO avoiding "pussy" jokes, 'k?
January 23, 2007
State of the Yawn
by gekko at 3:33 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
It occurred to me.
The State of the Union address was designed for the purpose of bringing the Congress up to speed on the President's doings with respect to the state of the union.
If you read the papers or watch the news, we've known pretty much every last detail of Bush's address for weeks now and Congress has already gone on record with their opinions and rebuttals.
So WTF would they need to bother broadcasting it tonight for? It's a done deal. Been blogged.
The annual message or "State of the Union" message's length, frequency, and method of delivery have varied from President to President and era to era.For example, Thomas Jefferson thought Washington's oral presentation was too kingly for the new republic. Likewise, Congress's practice of giving a courteous reply in person at the President's residence was too formal. Jefferson detailed his priorities in his first annual message in 1801 and sent copies of the written message to each house of Congress. The President's annual message, as it was then called, was not spoken by the President for the next 112 years. The message was often printed in full or as excerpts in newspapers for the American public to read.
Time to go back to the letter. Bring on a new ep of "Boston Legal" or whatever, instead.
This bears noting
by gekko at 11:18 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast
Taken from a VOA site:
The long awaited trial of an alleged serial killer has finally started in Vancouver, Canada. As Craig McCulloch reports for VOA from Vancouver, prosecutors are outlining grizzly evidence in a trial that is expected to last one year. -- VOA News - Vancouver Alleged Serial Killer Goes on Trial
I, for one, wonder what sort of evidence the bear(s) will provide.
January 13, 2007
Fire the photographer
by gekko at 7:29 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast
This photo appeared on a news site. The credit goes to "AFP". Whoever, or whatever "AFP" is, they ought to be fired. The editor who ran that photo also ought to be fired: it's crap photography.
If you're going to advertise light fixtures, why muck it up with a badly exposed bit of some European Ken doll?
December 21, 2006
Let me tell ya 'bout the 'taters and the bees and the dragons and the fleas ...
by gekko at 7:26 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast
"No sex please, we're lizards"
I could not resist that headline from UK's The Telegraph.
A Komodo dragon named Flora has produced a clutch of eight viable eggs without any assistance from a male. It is believed the babies will hatch in time for Christmas. Which is fitting.
The process is known as "Parthenogenesis", derived from the Greek for "virgin birth", and is carried out by King Edward potatoes, bees and greenfly but is rare in vertebrate species -- although lizards and fish apparently have been known to do this.
Scientists have studied the DNA and proved that the eggs were formed entirely from the female's DNA, without any addition of DNA from a male. This is the first time they've seen it in a Komodo Dragon. Cracks about "wise men" announcing this virgin birth also abound in the news.
Thankfully, I'm not a lizard; I only play one on the Internet. I'm rather fond of male assistance when it comes to certain things.
August 23, 2006
Maybe we're just resting?
by gekko at 2:49 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
Chunky middle-aged peeps, listen up!
The National Cancer Institute, USA, [...] reported on a fifty-year old's probability of dying if he/she were either overweight or obese. It carried out a ten-year study on 527,265 Americans. All those studied were aged 50 to 71 years. Adjustments were made for age, race or ethnic group, level of education, smoking status, physical activity, and alcohol intake.The researchers concluded that a 50-year-old who is slightly overweight runs a 20-40% higher risk of dying during the next decade, when compared to someone of normal weight. 50-year-old obese people are two to three times more likely to die. These calculations were made on people who never smoked.
Eek. According to several different scales and charts, I'm not "slightly overweight" but am in a very normal, healthy range. I do, however, weigh more than I would like to weigh. Guess I'd better pay more attention to the good advice given on the Blob, innit.
But help me out a bit, here. Wot's this guy saying?
Michael Leitzmann, National Cancer Institute, said that these finding are very important, because a substantial proportion of the US adult population is overweight. If overweight is linked to premature death, that's very important to public health, he added. -- Being Slightly Overweight Raises Risk Of Death
Sssoo. Ummmm. Once you're dead, then there's no, like, risk to public health? Unless he's talking about the health risk to the public of having a bunch of pudgy corpses laying about?
Anyway, who's to say it's "premature"? Does 'e think 'e's the bleedin' director of the choir invisible?
August 13, 2006
Goofy Astronomers
by gekko at 8:29 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast
I remember the mnemonic device my teachers used to help us all remember the nine planets in the Solar System:
My Very Elderly Mother Just Saw Us Near Pluto
Mercury
Venus
Earth
Mars
Jupiter
Saturn
Uranus
Neptune
Polonius
Just kidding on that last one. I always considered it a cheat that we used the actual name of the ninth planet in the mnemonic. I also wondered, genuinely, why we thought of Pluto as a planet because every single darned unit on astronomy I ever took cautioned us that Pluto was "different."
Seem that the Astronomer peeps are reconsidering the rock named for either a non-speaking Disney character or for the Roman god of the underworld (or is it Popeye's arch-nemesis? I get confused):
At a conference in Prague, Czech Republic, later this month, the International Astronomical Union, which oversees such matters, is scheduled to consider a resolution that defines a planet.Driven largely by controversy over the status of Pluto, which doesn't share several key attributes of the solar system's eight other planets, the resolution could mean Pluto's dismissal from that select group.
-- Kansas City Star (13 Aug 2006): Kansan’s find faces celestial status loss
So what're teachers going to use to help kids remember the names of the (presumably soon-to-be) eight planets of the Solar System?
Here are two suggestions:
1. Most Virgins Eat More Jellied Snails Upon Nightfall
2. Manly Virtues Exist. Men Just Seem Unfailingly Naughty.
Anyone have any more?
July 6, 2006
Peeves. They're Not Just For Mondays, Anymore
by gekko at 1:03 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
Try. Just try to find an anti-perspirant that does NOT have some sicky gagulous scent or leave white residue all over your darling, darling tight black cami. Go ahead. Try.
Oh, and it has to actually work.
I don't get it. People lay out major bucks for scents. Perfumes, colognes, body washes, after shaves. Those who want to smell like something other than a human, that is. Why on EARTH would they want to load up their pits on "Summer Fresh Rain" (which is the Dial company's nickname for the scent that is, in reality, "Week Old Formeldahyde Coated Corpse") when they're gonna spritz on their $50 bottle of Cool Water or Gigiglo, or wotever?
Others like to actually smell like people. Clean people, but people nonetheless. How else is that hot guy in the next cube over gonna know you're interested in him if he can't smell your pheromones because the guys at P&G think you should smell like "Hot Spice" (aka "Vomit Du Bangladesh")?
So why do you find so damned many scented deodorants and anti-perspirants and so darned few "unscented" ones? And of the few unscented ones that are there, why do they ALL leave a residue when you dress?
No matter how carefully you work -- you pull the cami up from the ground, over your hips, and holding the straps out as far as they'll stretch you slide them up over your arms, and you STILL end up with Power Powder (aka "Sticky Baby Poop") white crap smeared across your left breast.
AND IT DOESN'T COME OFF!
It's water-resistant.
So.
Just so's you know.
I don't stink. I'm not damp. I'm just "moistly differently scented."
July 4, 2006
UnAmerican Activities involving feminine, youthful pectorals
by gekko at 2:52 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
I am doing a most Un American thing:
I am eschewing the use of the grill on this US holiday day. Further, I am avoiding cow carcass. Pig carcass, too. Lock me away, boys.
Instead, I am sauteeing up the tender titties of a young chick. I intend to ensure they make their way to the mouths of the adult men in my family.
First I sliced 'em from the bone and removed the skin. Then I pounded them with a weighty mallet -- they now remind me of a mammogram, for some reason. I shudder with horror in retrospect but at the time of the pounding, I quite enjoyed myself.
Now I have them soaking in a brine solution. Later, I'll season them, dredge them, brown them and, finally, soak them in a delicate lemon sauce. With capers.
I'll steam up some green beans and asparagus. I'll probably do a potato dish of some sort.
Blueberry tart and ripe red Bing cherries for a festive touch.
Happy 4th!
[Note: a variation of this poast also appeared on that writing froup]
April 6, 2006
Gas has mass
by gekko at 6:28 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
Must be true:
A study unveiled today gives new meaning to the word beanpole: The findings show that people who eat beans weigh less than those who don't. -- Adults And Teens Who Eat Beans Weigh Less
March 31, 2006
Great Caesar's Gasp!
by gekko at 1:32 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
It is well past the Ides of March, the date when, traditionally, Julius Caesar, emporer of Rome, was assassinated by an armed Senate committee (maybe they disliked his policy on domestic espionage, eh?).
So I'm late. Deal with it.
I happened to listen to a Podcast from NPR.org that was originally broadcast on Mar 15 of this year. It concerned chemistry and Caesar.
Apparently chemistry teachers like to explain how many molecules are involved in something as unremarkable as a breath. They use the breath that Caesar would have exhaled as his last when Brutus' dagger, along with all the others, did its dirty work.
After noodling the numbers, they come to the conclusion that even to this day, Caesar's last breath is still floating about the atmosphere and that with each breath you and I take, we take in at least one molecule of Caesar's last breath.
To Commemorate Caesar's Demise...Even though these calculations apply to any breath exhaled long ago -- Shakespeare's, Cleopatra's, Lincoln's, your great-great-grandma's -- you may still want to take a moment today to share with Caesar. Just breathe in and share his molecule.
-- Commemorate Caesar: Take a deep breath
So. How come no one wants to remember that the night before he was assassinated, Caesar had a huge meal and had a bit of, well, indigestion to pass?
Everyone ... inhale!
March 17, 2006
And in the "Get A Life" Category ...
by gekko at 1:56 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
If you're elderly, like I am, then you may remember the video game "Frogger". So do some peeps with a Bluetooth-enabled Roomba in a frog suit, who proceed to run it in and across about forty lanes of traffic before it finally gets squooshed.
Yeah. But without alligators and logs, it ain't really Frogger, innit.
Apple Has No Sense of Humor
by gekko at 1:28 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
Funny vid a peep pointed me toward:
February 28, 2006
Swimsuit Cheat
by gekko at 8:43 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
I am totally pissed off.
Somehow, I ended up getting a "Free" promo subscription to some sports magazine or other. Every week I'd get this issue and it would have all this sports stuff in it.
B-O-R-I-N-G!
I was going to e-mail them to cancel it, when an issue came that got my interest -- it promised to show me swimsuits.
<perk!>
That's cool, because I have lost weight and need a new swimsuit for the coming summer. This would be almost as good as a Victoria's Secret catalog, maybe!
Yeah, right. I thumbed through that thing, and you know? You could barely see any swimsuits! Why, there are pictures where the models aren't even wearing the swimsuit, and they have it dangling, covered with sand. Like you can tell a lot about how the suit looks that way!
And even worse, there's a whole series of photos of some German blonde and she's not wearing a darned thing! They painted swimsuits on her naked body!
Like I'm really gonna go for that! The paint'd wash right off soon's I dipped into the water!
I am definitely going to cancel this subscription before they start charging me for it. And I'm going to send that bogus swimsuit issue right back to them, as soon as I can pry it out of the Spousal Unit's quivering fingers.
February 26, 2006
January 16, 2006
Technology. Bah.
by gekko at 1:17 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
Yeah, yeah. Man and robots on moons and planets. Cures for incurable diseases. Supersonic jets. Teeny computers, pocket video, iPods, and robotic vacuum cleaners. Non-stick cookware!
Big.
Fat.
Hairy.
Deal.
They can do all that, but they can't manage to invent dog-noseprint-resistant glass!
January 13, 2006
Goo-goo-googly
by gekko at 1:57 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast
Overheard conversation:
"... so you just use Google Earth!"
"Google Earth? You have to pay for that, right?"
"No, no. It's one of those freebie tools."
"So how do you access it?"
"? Dunno. Hmmm. Let me see if I can find that e-mail ..."
So. I dunno. Should I walk over and slap them upside the head with a Google stick?
NB: Zen, disregard. I'm sure my comment will go whizzing past yer head.