by gekko at 2:49 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

" lolcat gained national media attention in unitd statez when it wuz covered by tiem magazine...[8] which wrote that non-commercialized phenomena uv sort r increasingli rare... statin that lolcat has " distinctli old-school... earli 1990s... usenet feel 2 [them]." superimposed txt iz assumed 2 b uttered by kitteh in photograph. "

Iz happih iz no loldogg

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by gekko at 10:21 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

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by gekko at 6:48 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

"Clinton is on a tour that will take her and top surrogates to all of Iowa's 99 counties and try to get maximum advantage from the endorsement of her candidacy by the Des Moines Register newspaper on Sunday.

Democratic strategist Erik Smith said Clinton appeared to be trying to remind voters why they liked her in the first place."
-- U.S. | Reuters

"I'm not just a cold and politically calculating person, you know. I have a softer, more feminine side," Clinton gushed. "I plan on publishing a cookbook, with all proceeds to be donated to the Susan Whatever fund for ... that disease we women get."

When asked about her furry companion, Clinton smiled softly. "Chihuahuas make the best fajita filling."

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by gekko at 10:13 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

The Arizona Christmas Song
  (Apologies to Mr. Torme)

Palm fronds dropping in your topless car;
Leaf blowers dusting up your nose.
Golfers, on the greens, complain 'bout their scores,
And folks dressed up in summer clothes.

Everybody sees the malls decked out in mistletoe,
Long before ol' Halloween.
Seasonal folk drive their cars really slow,
And make the Locals really mean.

They know that Santa's at the mall;
Of major credit cards, he takes them all.
And every mother's child is going to sing
Just as the shutter snaps, "Gimme more bling!"

And so I'm slogging through this simple rhyme,
For peeps all lounging 'round the pool,
Although its been said many ways, many times,
Feliz Navidad to you!

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by gekko at 10:28 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

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by gekko at 10:22 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

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by gekko at 10:17 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

... but implants last forever.

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by gekko at 2:44 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

Dogs are pack animals, and when I leave the room, my two usually follow me so's the pack can stay together. If they're snoozin' when I go off to another room, then they set off in search of me when they wake.

So it was that I was sitting in a ... um ... rather small and echoey chamber. I was alone in the house, so I left the door open. A dog trotted past the open door.

A moment later, the dog trotted past headed in the opposite direction.

I could hear a "tick tick tick" of toenails on tile as the second dog headed down the hallway. Teegan was less intent, more cautious in her approach than the first dog, Murphy, who seemed more inclined to just blast ahead in frantic search. Teegan stopped just before reaching the doorway.

I watched.

First her long, black snout appeared, then one eye. Then snout and eye disappeared.

Next, Teegan walked slowly past the door, glancing into the room fully on her way past. She stopped, turned, then passed the door again, stopping and poking her head fully into the room, gazing at me.

Meanwhile, Murphy finished her crazed search of the rest of the house, the yard, and beneath the sofa and came to join Teegan.

While Teegan was still assessing the situation, Murphy burst into the, uh, small echoey chamber, her entire body quivering in a paroxysm of dogmatic celebration at having found me. She bounded over, licked my feet, then bounded back to head-butt Teegan.

What I ask for, O God, is five minutes in the mind of a dog. I really want to know just what the fuck was going on in their heads as they executed these maneuvers. Because they are the most silly-assed damned creatures on this planet, God love 'em.

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by gekko at 2:51 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

The guys talking about simplicity in the podcast I referred to in this poast mentioned refrigerators. Remember when common household appliances started getting high tech? Someone thought "whoa, put a microprocessor chip into a fridge and you could have it control temperature and humidity 'n stuff. Neat!"

And so they did.

The chipsets they used were fairly generic, cheap ones and they discovered along the way that those chips also let you do voice. Audio. They figured they ought to use that somehow, too, so I guess they developed fridges that could talk to you.

I have no idea what sorts of things the refrigerators actually said. But during my afternoon walk I started thinking about the kinds of useful things they COULD say.

"It's sixty three degrees inside on this beautiful Monday afternoon, and your peaches are at the optimal temperature!"

"Your milk has reached its expiration date. Time to buy more!"

"The kids would like you to know that the spam and bean curd casserole from last week is fuzzy and green. Time to throw it out!"

"I thought you should know, Mrs. Bowman, that Dave has been drinking milk from the carton again. Oh, and he stands with the door open for too long."

"That's, what, the fifth slice of cake in the past hour? That does it. Executing cake lock-down sequence five, four, three ..."

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by gekko at 5:55 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

Just as in Where's Waldo, see if you can find me in the picture below.

Okay, I'm lying. I am not in that photo at all. But, if I were, I'd be the one with the white butt.

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by gekko at 12:47 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

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by gekko at 1:26 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

I just posted this on an internal company newsgroup. I hope it works, as it will make my job as a manager much easier.

Okay, Peeps. Lissen up. I just had a disconcerting revelation and I need to make some changes, here.

A friend of mine was talking about "Type A" personalities.

"They're organized."

I gulped. I'm organized, but I'm no type A.

"They are morning people."

I shifted my feet. I am a morning person, but I'm no Type A.

"They're aggressive."

Whew! Thank goodness! I'm not aggre....

My friend begged to differ and pointed out how pushy I can be.

Pushy. Me.

I was voted "Least likely to ever utter a word" in high school. My sixth grade teacher -- honest to God -- wrote on a report back to my parents "Smart, but I would really like it if she would just get up on her desk and shout! She's too withdrawn!"

Then I did a little heartfelt self examination and discovered that over the years I have indeed had to become aggressive and pushy. I've had to rant. I've had to make ... demands. I've had to tell
people what I expected of them, and then make "tsk" sounds at them when they didn't do what I expected.

This is distressing to me, and I expect the entire company to now change in order to help me stop being pushy and aggressive.

Here is my plan:

1. Read my mind
2. Do what I want you to do
3. Tell me you've done it.

'k?

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by gekko at 9:24 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

I am in a lot of teleconferenced meetings -- our work force is spread in four locations. There's a great reason to keep your phone muted as a default when participating in these. Here's a slightly modified example of an actual conversation:

Knowledgeable Guy: The problem I saw as that the frimmitz flimflammed. Our biggest customer Omnipoot is going to run that configuration so ...

Meeting Leader: Yup. Omnipoot is going to run that configuration. That's what I was about to say.

KG: It's clearly an issue with the gobberpickle.

ML: Yes, the gobberpickle. I wondered about that.

KG: If we can fix it, we'll have to ship it in the next tape going to Omnipoot.

ML: Yes, I just wanted to confirm my view on that. That's exactly what I was thinking.

Me: Good God, can he be any MORE obsequious?

<sudden check of phone to make sure I'm muted>

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by gekko at 6:10 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

"All these flavors and types of yogurt. Not one of them soy."

"Mmm-hmmm."

"It's, like, racism. ... Or sexism, or something."

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by gekko at 3:09 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

I saw an old CSI re-run, in which our intrepid investigators found a car where a pair of bodies had been stuck in the trunk and left to rot for a few hot summer Las Vegas days. They had to stick their hands into the stuff for some reason. I don't remember why. The bodies had decomposed into a kind of soupy substance and they ended up locating some donuts or bagels or something that had also been in the trunk.

Anyway. I was just wondering if the embalming worked, or if maybe the former Playboy was basically a box full of soup with a couple of large silicon blobs floating in it, or not.

The things I'll think of when sitting in a corporate training program!

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by gekko at 5:54 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

(e-mail joke goin' around.)

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

For the #1 thing men know for sure about women ...

1. They have boobs.

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by gekko at 11:50 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

But when I read this headline: Study ties drop in deaths to a little nap after lunch I started wondering if maybe all psychos needed was a little siesta.

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by gekko at 2:58 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

PHOENIX (GP) -- Lawmakers in this sleepy southwestern city are mulling a decision to fine people who lose themselves in thought $25. Alarmed by a near-miss at a local grocery store parking lot by a red-haired woman who was daydreaming inadvertently stepping into the path of a Ford Explorer that was backing out of a parking space, a city politician is considering introducing legislation this week that would make it an offense, punishable by a $25 fine, to think while walking anywhere near a vehicle.

Mysti LaBamba, city constable, wants the ban proposed in her "distracted walking" bill to be extended to people deep in conversation, reading books and magazines, or looking at passing airplanes.

So far, the legislation is only proposed for the locales in and around Phoenix.

The offense, which would apply to walking, jogging and cycling, would involve a criminal court summons. The offender would have to appear in court to pay the fine rather than simply posting it.

Ms. LaBamba said she knew of two deep-thought-related traffic near-misses in the area since September.

Ms. LaBamba said: "We have a major public safety crisis. If you're so involved in your thoughts about life, or shopping, or whatever that you can't , like, totally notice the car is backing up, or see or hear a car coming, this is indicative of a larger problem that requires some sort of enforcement beyond the application of common sense."

She urged people who think to limit their thinking to the safety of their homes.

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by gekko at 2:56 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

A puppy can learn physics. At least, where wet feet, tile floors, and walls are concerned.

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by gekko at 12:11 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

I'm finding the bold-italicized and underlined phrase in the paragraph below a bit difficult to believe.

More than 40 percent of teens and preteens surveyed say they've recently come across nudity and pornography on the Internet, and most say they weren't looking for it, according to a study released today. -- 4 in 10 Kids See Adult Material Online: Study - Forbes.com

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by gekko at 6:10 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

Do not chop jalaps, and then try to teach yourself to whistle with two fingers.

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by gekko at 2:08 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

* done stole from the innernet

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by gekko at 10:52 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

They'll want to stay away from Vermont.

At the Southeast State Correctional Facility, inmates are subjected to head counts several times a day. Not Ziggy, Marmalade, Smokey and Shane, though — they come and go as they please. They're prison cats — but only for now. They are being involuntarily paroled by the new superintendent of Vermont's largest women's prison, to the chagrin of inmates who feed them, pay for their care and cherish them. -- Cats in Vt. prison must go, supe says - Yahoo! News

The prison officials "say" that it's because the facility is not conducive to a pet program, but I heard otherwise. It seems the women were training the cats, ostensibly for a circus act.

"We thought it would help, you know, raise money? We could send the cats on tour," said inmate Veera Gandy. "They do these acrobatic things, with barrels and hoops. They finish off the routine with a kitty pyramid. You know. Stacked on top of each other?"

Prison officials were not convinced. "It wasn't so much a pyramid as a cat ladder. We suspect the inmates were planning an escape."

Anyway, no room in the Vermont women's correctional system for Teekers or that scary Siamese kitty that lives at Sylvia's.

Word, GFs.

NB: I am SO avoiding "pussy" jokes, 'k?

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by gekko at 3:33 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

It occurred to me.

The State of the Union address was designed for the purpose of bringing the Congress up to speed on the President's doings with respect to the state of the union.

If you read the papers or watch the news, we've known pretty much every last detail of Bush's address for weeks now and Congress has already gone on record with their opinions and rebuttals.

So WTF would they need to bother broadcasting it tonight for? It's a done deal. Been blogged.

The annual message or "State of the Union" message's length, frequency, and method of delivery have varied from President to President and era to era.

For example, Thomas Jefferson thought Washington's oral presentation was too kingly for the new republic. Likewise, Congress's practice of giving a courteous reply in person at the President's residence was too formal. Jefferson detailed his priorities in his first annual message in 1801 and sent copies of the written message to each house of Congress. The President's annual message, as it was then called, was not spoken by the President for the next 112 years. The message was often printed in full or as excerpts in newspapers for the American public to read.

Time to go back to the letter. Bring on a new ep of "Boston Legal" or whatever, instead.

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by gekko at 11:18 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

Taken from a VOA site:

The long awaited trial of an alleged serial killer has finally started in Vancouver, Canada. As Craig McCulloch reports for VOA from Vancouver, prosecutors are outlining grizzly evidence in a trial that is expected to last one year. -- VOA News - Vancouver Alleged Serial Killer Goes on Trial

I, for one, wonder what sort of evidence the bear(s) will provide.

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by gekko at 7:29 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

This photo appeared on a news site. The credit goes to "AFP". Whoever, or whatever "AFP" is, they ought to be fired. The editor who ran that photo also ought to be fired: it's crap photography.

If you're going to advertise light fixtures, why muck it up with a badly exposed bit of some European Ken doll?

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by gekko at 7:26 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

"No sex please, we're lizards"

I could not resist that headline from UK's The Telegraph.

A Komodo dragon named Flora has produced a clutch of eight viable eggs without any assistance from a male. It is believed the babies will hatch in time for Christmas. Which is fitting.

The process is known as "Parthenogenesis", derived from the Greek for "virgin birth", and is carried out by King Edward potatoes, bees and greenfly but is rare in vertebrate species -- although lizards and fish apparently have been known to do this.

Scientists have studied the DNA and proved that the eggs were formed entirely from the female's DNA, without any addition of DNA from a male. This is the first time they've seen it in a Komodo Dragon. Cracks about "wise men" announcing this virgin birth also abound in the news.

Thankfully, I'm not a lizard; I only play one on the Internet. I'm rather fond of male assistance when it comes to certain things.

3 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 2:49 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

Chunky middle-aged peeps, listen up!

The National Cancer Institute, USA, [...] reported on a fifty-year old's probability of dying if he/she were either overweight or obese. It carried out a ten-year study on 527,265 Americans. All those studied were aged 50 to 71 years. Adjustments were made for age, race or ethnic group, level of education, smoking status, physical activity, and alcohol intake.

The researchers concluded that a 50-year-old who is slightly overweight runs a 20-40% higher risk of dying during the next decade, when compared to someone of normal weight. 50-year-old obese people are two to three times more likely to die. These calculations were made on people who never smoked.

Eek. According to several different scales and charts, I'm not "slightly overweight" but am in a very normal, healthy range. I do, however, weigh more than I would like to weigh. Guess I'd better pay more attention to the good advice given on the Blob, innit.

But help me out a bit, here. Wot's this guy saying?

Michael Leitzmann, National Cancer Institute, said that these finding are very important, because a substantial proportion of the US adult population is overweight. If overweight is linked to premature death, that's very important to public health, he added. -- Being Slightly Overweight Raises Risk Of Death

Sssoo. Ummmm. Once you're dead, then there's no, like, risk to public health? Unless he's talking about the health risk to the public of having a bunch of pudgy corpses laying about?

Anyway, who's to say it's "premature"? Does 'e think 'e's the bleedin' director of the choir invisible?

3 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 8:29 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

I remember the mnemonic device my teachers used to help us all remember the nine planets in the Solar System:

My Very Elderly Mother Just Saw Us Near Pluto

 Mercury
 Venus
 Earth
 Mars
 Jupiter
 Saturn
 Uranus
 Neptune
 Polonius

Just kidding on that last one. I always considered it a cheat that we used the actual name of the ninth planet in the mnemonic. I also wondered, genuinely, why we thought of Pluto as a planet because every single darned unit on astronomy I ever took cautioned us that Pluto was "different."

Seem that the Astronomer peeps are reconsidering the rock named for either a non-speaking Disney character or for the Roman god of the underworld (or is it Popeye's arch-nemesis? I get confused):

At a conference in Prague, Czech Republic, later this month, the International Astronomical Union, which oversees such matters, is scheduled to consider a resolution that defines a planet.

Driven largely by controversy over the status of Pluto, which doesn't share several key attributes of the solar system's eight other planets, the resolution could mean Pluto's dismissal from that select group.
-- Kansas City Star (13 Aug 2006): Kansan’s find faces celestial status loss

So what're teachers going to use to help kids remember the names of the (presumably soon-to-be) eight planets of the Solar System?

Here are two suggestions:

1. Most Virgins Eat More Jellied Snails Upon Nightfall

2. Manly Virtues Exist. Men Just Seem Unfailingly Naughty.

Anyone have any more?

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by gekko at 1:03 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

Try. Just try to find an anti-perspirant that does NOT have some sicky gagulous scent or leave white residue all over your darling, darling tight black cami. Go ahead. Try.

Oh, and it has to actually work.

I don't get it. People lay out major bucks for scents. Perfumes, colognes, body washes, after shaves. Those who want to smell like something other than a human, that is. Why on EARTH would they want to load up their pits on "Summer Fresh Rain" (which is the Dial company's nickname for the scent that is, in reality, "Week Old Formeldahyde Coated Corpse") when they're gonna spritz on their $50 bottle of Cool Water or Gigiglo, or wotever?

Others like to actually smell like people. Clean people, but people nonetheless. How else is that hot guy in the next cube over gonna know you're interested in him if he can't smell your pheromones because the guys at P&G think you should smell like "Hot Spice" (aka "Vomit Du Bangladesh")?

So why do you find so damned many scented deodorants and anti-perspirants and so darned few "unscented" ones? And of the few unscented ones that are there, why do they ALL leave a residue when you dress?

No matter how carefully you work -- you pull the cami up from the ground, over your hips, and holding the straps out as far as they'll stretch you slide them up over your arms, and you STILL end up with Power Powder (aka "Sticky Baby Poop") white crap smeared across your left breast.

AND IT DOESN'T COME OFF!

It's water-resistant.

So.

Just so's you know.

I don't stink. I'm not damp. I'm just "moistly differently scented."

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by gekko at 2:52 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

I am doing a most Un American thing:

I am eschewing the use of the grill on this US holiday day. Further, I am avoiding cow carcass. Pig carcass, too. Lock me away, boys.

Instead, I am sauteeing up the tender titties of a young chick. I intend to ensure they make their way to the mouths of the adult men in my family.

First I sliced 'em from the bone and removed the skin. Then I pounded them with a weighty mallet -- they now remind me of a mammogram, for some reason. I shudder with horror in retrospect but at the time of the pounding, I quite enjoyed myself.

Now I have them soaking in a brine solution. Later, I'll season them, dredge them, brown them and, finally, soak them in a delicate lemon sauce. With capers.

I'll steam up some green beans and asparagus. I'll probably do a potato dish of some sort.

Blueberry tart and ripe red Bing cherries for a festive touch.

Happy 4th!

[Note: a variation of this poast also appeared on that writing froup]

Ooh, got me one hot comment!

by gekko at 6:28 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

Must be true:

A study unveiled today gives new meaning to the word beanpole: The findings show that people who eat beans weigh less than those who don't. -- Adults And Teens Who Eat Beans Weigh Less

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by gekko at 1:32 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

It is well past the Ides of March, the date when, traditionally, Julius Caesar, emporer of Rome, was assassinated by an armed Senate committee (maybe they disliked his policy on domestic espionage, eh?).

So I'm late. Deal with it.

I happened to listen to a Podcast from NPR.org that was originally broadcast on Mar 15 of this year. It concerned chemistry and Caesar.

Apparently chemistry teachers like to explain how many molecules are involved in something as unremarkable as a breath. They use the breath that Caesar would have exhaled as his last when Brutus' dagger, along with all the others, did its dirty work.

After noodling the numbers, they come to the conclusion that even to this day, Caesar's last breath is still floating about the atmosphere and that with each breath you and I take, we take in at least one molecule of Caesar's last breath.

To Commemorate Caesar's Demise...

Even though these calculations apply to any breath exhaled long ago -- Shakespeare's, Cleopatra's, Lincoln's, your great-great-grandma's -- you may still want to take a moment today to share with Caesar. Just breathe in and share his molecule.
-- Commemorate Caesar: Take a deep breath

So. How come no one wants to remember that the night before he was assassinated, Caesar had a huge meal and had a bit of, well, indigestion to pass?

Everyone ... inhale!

Ooh, got me one hot comment!

by gekko at 1:56 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

If you're elderly, like I am, then you may remember the video game "Frogger". So do some peeps with a Bluetooth-enabled Roomba in a frog suit, who proceed to run it in and across about forty lanes of traffic before it finally gets squooshed.

Yeah. But without alligators and logs, it ain't really Frogger, innit.

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by gekko at 1:28 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

Funny vid a peep pointed me toward:

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by gekko at 8:43 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

I am totally pissed off.

Somehow, I ended up getting a "Free" promo subscription to some sports magazine or other. Every week I'd get this issue and it would have all this sports stuff in it.

B-O-R-I-N-G!

I was going to e-mail them to cancel it, when an issue came that got my interest -- it promised to show me swimsuits.

<perk!>

That's cool, because I have lost weight and need a new swimsuit for the coming summer. This would be almost as good as a Victoria's Secret catalog, maybe!

Yeah, right. I thumbed through that thing, and you know? You could barely see any swimsuits! Why, there are pictures where the models aren't even wearing the swimsuit, and they have it dangling, covered with sand. Like you can tell a lot about how the suit looks that way!

And even worse, there's a whole series of photos of some German blonde and she's not wearing a darned thing! They painted swimsuits on her naked body!

Like I'm really gonna go for that! The paint'd wash right off soon's I dipped into the water!

I am definitely going to cancel this subscription before they start charging me for it. And I'm going to send that bogus swimsuit issue right back to them, as soon as I can pry it out of the Spousal Unit's quivering fingers.

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by gekko at 5:32 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

Phillie Cheese Legs:

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by gekko at 1:17 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

Yeah, yeah. Man and robots on moons and planets. Cures for incurable diseases. Supersonic jets. Teeny computers, pocket video, iPods, and robotic vacuum cleaners. Non-stick cookware!

Big.

Fat.

Hairy.

Deal.

They can do all that, but they can't manage to invent dog-noseprint-resistant glass!

7 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 1:57 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

Overheard conversation:

"... so you just use Google Earth!"

"Google Earth? You have to pay for that, right?"

"No, no. It's one of those freebie tools."

"So how do you access it?"

"? Dunno. Hmmm. Let me see if I can find that e-mail ..."

So. I dunno. Should I walk over and slap them upside the head with a Google stick?

NB: Zen, disregard. I'm sure my comment will go whizzing past yer head.

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by gekko at 9:14 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

I went to the humongonerous, giganticulous, Xtremenociously big Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas this past week. While it wasn't my first trade show -- I'm an engineer, dammit, not a magician! -- this was, by far, the largest show I've ever, ever been to. Ever. We averaged 10-15 miles of walking a day. On concrete. Pushing through walls of people. My back is screaming. But I digress.

Aside from the trends toward convergence -- putting your gaming console, web browser, Blackberry, iPod, XM radio, GPS and home security system all in one slender stylish wireless package -- one thing I noted was the colors.

There was cellphone and iPod bling out the wazzoo, and skins for your devices of every imaginable color, but everyone seemed to be sporting black as the hot color. Black Motorola RAZR slim cellphone. Black iPod. Black PSP. Black Samsung. A quote from a C|Net review of the Moto ROKR iTunes compatible cellphone says:

the design is just slightly more stylish, with the addition of a black model.

Hello?

When cellphones first came out, they came in one color: black. What was it, 8 years ago that Samsung got daring and introduces a "platinum" colored phone? And then the little silvery plastic phones became all the rage? Then Nokia started with the colorful plastic "skins" and cases that you could actually change?

Now, it seems, that black is back, and it's better than ever. My own iPod, a Christmas present from my dear Spousal Unit, is black. It contrasts with the cool iPod sticky pad that I picked up for my dashboard, but that's good, because my dash is black, and I'd hate to lose my iPod on the black on black on black.

But. Still. I was rather hoping blue would be the next new hot color.

29 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 8:44 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

So who, here, has ever made a New Year's Resolution and actually kept it? How long did you keep it?

Losing weight is a popular New Year's Resolution for 2006. According to a new survey commissioned by Weight Watchers and conducted by Harris Interactive(R) about half (45%) of U.S. women say losing weight will be one of their New Year's resolutions for the upcoming year. Among those who will resolve to lose weight in the New Year, almost all (97%) say they think they will need some assistance to keep their resolution.
-- From Losing Weight Is One Of The Most Popular New Year's Resolutions

I'm amazed someone actually spent money on that study. Hello? Of course losing weight is one of the most popular resolutions to make! So's quitting smoking -- I'll betcha the Lung Cancer peeps commissioned a study for that one and we'll see it written up somewhere. Those study folk are probably making TONS of money on this.

I stopped making resolutions at New Years a long time ago once I realized that I never really bothered to keep them. I'd start out all gung-ho, and then just kind of forget about 'em. I'm betting no resolution ever gets kept beyond a few weeks.

So maybe the fatties who wanna lose weight should NOT make it a New Year's Resolution, y'know?

At least they're smart enough to realize they're going to need help.

21 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 3:24 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

A news article about a kidnapping in Yemen, presumably by tribal activists who wanted to free some fellow tribes members who were in jail on criminal charges, including murder note:

Germany's Foreign Ministry said former junior Foreign Minister Juergen Chrobog and four family members were missing in Yemen. A Yemeni official said the group were seized during a trip to the eastern Shabwa province from the port city of Aden.
[...]
Armed tribal groups in Yemen, a poor country at the tip of the Arabian peninsula where central government control is often weak, seize tourists frequently.
-- Reuters: Yemen kidnappers seize German ex-minister, family

It's a poor country. It's filled with tribal tensions. The central government is weak. Tourists commonly get kidnapped. And this guy thought it would be good to take his family there?

13 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 7:14 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

Possibly overheard at an FBI press conference:

"C'mon, peeps! It's FAKED! We din't do it! HONEST! See, it's right here, where it says fake message. FAKE!"

FBI denies sending virus through mails

5 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 1:40 PM as a "Politik Inkorrecta" poast

The kind that your uncle, some guy you once knew in college, or some of your friends like to send 'round to everyone they know.

I happened to like this one, because I know it will irritate a few peeps, or as my friend Mark likes to call 'em, "pees", so here's the latest politico joke-spam that made its way into my in-box:

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replied: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week"

The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

I mean, bwah!

5 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 10:39 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

A local rag that gets sent 'round to the communities, talking about the little bitsy bits of things that would be of interest to, say, retirees, had this to say:

"The platform for Sunset Park was discussed. The preliminary plans are for a 6 sided, 12' in diameter, platform for future Concerts in The Park, described by Commissioner DeGraw as a "pentagram."

I'm thinking Commissioner DeGraw, whoever the fuck that may be, has done too many grams, and he's, like, totally gon. Either that, or he's too pent up. Maybe someone put a hex on him, to make him say that.

4 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 11:58 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

<klok><klok><klok><klok>
<klok><klok><klok><klok>
<klok><klok><klok><klok>
<klok><klok><klok><klok>
<klok><klok><klok><klok>
<klok><klok><klok>

I hate walking down long, echo-y hallways.

Ooh, got me one hot comment!

by gekko at 7:06 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

I'm getting kinda hungry with all this talk of killing. We have a choice in the gekko household larder, of some hunted bizarre African pig-thing, or yer basic grill-ready (nearly) cow carcass, fresh from the slaughterhouse.

If, however, you're a vegetarian, have a hankering for clothes shopping, and still want to get in on this meat fest, the Chinese have a few ideas for you. I'm thinking the diaper version is a bit too revealing, but that's just me.

Hey, wouldn't it be hilarious if we could get rid of those way-not-funny "Kiss The Cook" aprons men like to wear when grilling, and replace 'em with aprons using this meatwear? Then you could, like, emblazon "Cook the kisser!" on 'em. Or something.

I mean, bwah!

Ooh, got me one hot comment!

by gekko at 11:20 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

A.Word.A.Day seems to have a few hang-ups, herpetologically speaking:

Autotomy (au-TOT-uh-mee) noun

Autotomy is nature's gift to some animals to help them escape when under attack or injured. A lizard being chased will drop its tail and slip away. The detached tail continues to wriggle, distracting the predator, while its former owner flees to safety.

The lizard goes home and buys a replacement on eBay. Just kidding! Of course, they can't do that. eBay's policy explicitly prohibits lizards from bidding.

4 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 9:23 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

So, I, like, had this dream, where I was a penguin, right? And some of the more obnoxious of the MW peeps were, like, also penguins. 'k?

So, like, there's me, standing around, looking out at the ice, and along comes, well, some obnoxious MW penguin peep waddling around behind me, and ...

4 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 8:48 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

Overall, 83 percent of adults (90 percent of women and 75 percent of men) observed did wash their hands. In the telephone survey, however, 91 percent of adults claimed to always or usually wash their hands after using a public restroom.

The worst hand hygiene habits were found at Turner Field, where 26 percent of sports fans did not wash their hands (84 percent of women did wash their hands vs. just 37 percent of men). Presumably, the majority of stadium goers are men.

2 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 1:38 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

I am perfect. Even my flaws are perfectly placed and executed. That is a law of nature, and dissenters will have to live with it. In my perfection, I have decreed that any article of clothing that shows a man's knees is, quite simply, not acceptable as office-wear.

It's just not. I don't care if you're talking about shorts, swimwear, or even traditional ethnic costumes. God did not give men attractive knees. They were meant to be hidden.

If the man's knee happens to sag midway down his calf, shorts are especially inappropriate.

Likewise, keyboards are unacceptable as men's wear.

Sorry, but that's just how it is.

3 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 9:35 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

OTTAWA, July 26 (Xinhuanet) -- Users of drugs treating impotence and erectile dysfunction should seek immediate medical attention if they experience vision problems, Health Canada warned on Tuesday.

Men who take the drugs Viagra, Cialis or Levitra are at risk ofa rare side-effect called nonarteritic anterior ischemic optic neuropathy (NAION), caused by a sudden blockage of blood flow to the optic nerve, the federal health ministry said in a statement.

-- Xinhua

by gekko at 6:09 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

A stone phallus 28 000 years old has been discovered in a cave in Baden-Wuertemberg in southern Germany, according to archeologists with the University of Tubingen.

In assembling 14 stone fragments found last year in the Hohle Fels cave, archeologists rebuilt the phallus, which is 20cm long and three centimeters wide.
-- "Ancient Stone Phallus found in Germany", Mail & Guardian

by gekko at 7:25 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

"Hello, welcome to Taco Bell, may I take your order?"

"Yeah. I'd like, uhhhh. Four Soft Taco Supremes. And ... uhhhh ... yeah. No tomatos."

"Okay, that's four Soft Taco Supremes, no tomatos, will there be anything else?"

"Ummm. Sure. I'd like a small Dr. Pepper."

"Small Dr. Pepper, okay, your total will be $5.32 at the first wi..."

"Wait! Can I get that to go?"

"Ma'am? Are you asking if you can have it 'to go'?"

"Yes. Make that To Go, please."

"Ma'am. You're at a drive-through."

"Oh. What. That means I can't get my order to go? Do I have to park and come inside for that?"

"Ma'am ... um. Yeah. Sure. We'll make it to go for you."

To his credit, the kid managed to not shoot me in spite of my giggling.

5 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 1:43 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

When you find a piece of Godiva dark chocolate in one of the places where you hide such things, and you come all over excited, sigh sensually, and speak to the chocolate, saying, "Ohhhhh, baby! My darling! Come to me!"

Is it?

2 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 12:03 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

We are not rednecks. That is to say, none of the vehicles we own are parked in our yard.

We do, however, in the gekko household, possess more vehicles than can be driven by members of the family at the same time.

I have been monitoring this. Tracking it. I was concerned, because at one point we had five vehicles in our fleet, only two of which could be said to run reliably at any one time. Borderline redneck, innit.

Thankfully, we got rid of the Blazer and the Austin Healey.

Sadly, we added the Corvette and a new Explorer.

The good news was that we got rid of the minivan. Then we added the Miata.

Happily, we got rid of the Mustang.

We did, however, add the motorcycle.

I am pleased to report that as of today, we have five vehicles in our fleet, all of which run reliably.

Here is the list, along with the designated driver of each vehicle in the gekko family fleet:

1. Miata <-- my midlife-mobile

2. Newer Explorer <-- The Spousal Unit's practical vehicle

3. Older Explorer <-- for The Teen Unit's use

4. Corvette <-- Spousal Unit's former midlife-mobile

5. Motorcycle <-- Spousal Unit's midlife-mobile.

The 'Vette is supposed to be up for sale, but needs a bit of work to get it in shape to maximize the price we can ask.

I wonder what kind of vehicle we'll get for the Spousal Unit in order to replace that?

2 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 3:09 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

The Cake Baking peeps want over $600 for a wedding cake.

It's just cake! I mean, it's sweet bready stuff, glopped over with sugary stuff, and everyone gets a slice and they all kind of poke at it and leave it sitting on their tables, except for the fat guy who goes back for thirds.

They're charging something like $3.75 per slice, and some exorbitant delivery fee. Talk about your scams!

I'm all, "Honey, I will make you a nice cake, like I used to for your birthday. Chocolate! We'll put 'happy wedding' on it in blue sprinkles."

Six hundred bucks. For a cake.

4 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 6:15 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

Thanks, UV. Why did I feel compelled to do this?



01. Toilet paper - should the paper be over or under?

Over. Over, over, over. And, not on top of the roll thingie. That's tres lazy.

02. Sock Folding - rolled in a ball, folded at the top only or laid together in pairs?

Black/brown/blue sox tucked together at tops. White sox laid together in several tidy, organized piles with heels and toes neatly aligned.

03. Toothpaste - should squeezing be done from the bottom, middle or top?

Use one of those little squeezy bottle varieties. But if you have to have a tube, then not only squeeze it from the bottom, but on a regular basis lay the tube flat and, starting from the bottom, press three fingers hard against it and slide up, flattening that sucker 'til it screams.



04. Commercials - flipper or don't want to risk missing shit-er?

TiVO or Dish, with a hard drive. Record, then skip past 'em. But if you lack that, then simply mute during commercials and stay on the channel.



05. DVDs and CDs - alphabetical order, some other order or like a discount bin at the local Wal-mart?

Organized by category, then alpha within the category.



06. Towels - folded a certain way or is folded any way acceptable?

UV had it right: "Hand towels folded in thirds, then half. Bath towels in half, then thirds. This is the *right* way, sorry."

07. Socks and Sandals - who cares or serious fashion faux paux?

Kill them. Beheading is too good.



08. Plastic or wire hangers?

Plastic.

09. What's your sign? Do you read your horoscope?

Zodiac stuff is for weirdos, thanks be to God.



10. Ketchup on your fries or on the side to dunk?

Ketchup is yukky.



11. Ketchup on scrambled eggs?

I *said* that Ketchup is yucky. Hello?

>balance hosed<

3 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 7:16 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

A spammer found my blog! I got about ten bazillion comment e-mails in my inbox this morning, all from the same IP range, promoting their on-line poker sites. So I blocked that IP range, and am in the process of going through and removing the comments.

I dislike removing comments because I disagree with the content, or because the author of the comment was trying to provoke me. You'll find Zen and Robert, f'rex, doing their best renditions of "asshole" in the bowels of my blog. (Heh. Geddit? Asshole? Bowels? I kill me.) But spam is another thing. I'm not interested in having my site promote some cheesy scammulous business op for someone whose idea of "good marketing" is to force their message into my domain.

They want me to advertise for them? Fine. Call me. We'll discuss terms. If I like the product they offer, I may consider carrying their adverts for a modest fee.

In fact, I am already advertising a product I like. PJ's Cookbook. Hello?. You have, like, ordered your several copies (to give as gifties, of course), right? RIGHT?

2 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 2:58 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

So I was in church on Sunday, as I am wont to do. The choir wasn't singing, so the Spousal Unit and I sat in one of the pews. Emma sat behind us. Emma sometimes sings in the choir, but lately she's been too consumed by caring for her husband, who has Alzheimer's. Emma has always been noisy. She likes to yatter during the church service, and because she is a bit hard of hearing, her yatter can be a bit loud.

She'd not seen me for a while. I'd lost a noticeable amount of weight since she last saw me, in fact. So, after the Pastor read off the announcements, and we stood to sing the opening hymn, she leaned forward, took my hand to shake it and shouted, coyly, "I don't believe we've met! I'm Emma!" She grinned, then screamed, "My, but you've lost an entire PERSON!"

Only if that person is a young hobbit, but I digress.

Later, after the hymn and before the Pastor started the morning prayer, Emma leaned forward again and brayed, "So how did you do it, if you don't mind my asking?"

I whispered to her, "Weight Watchers." then turned back as the prayer began.

"Really? I tried that once and gained a pound the first week," Emma hollered.

The Spousal Unit nudged me so I paid attention to the rest of the service.

I know Weight Watchers doesn't work for everyone. It's no magic pill. It takes work and dedication. It's a plan, a set of guidelines, and a collection of helper items -- books, meetings, gadgets, on-line databases, trackers -- to help you stick to your goals and work the plan. It's an intelligent plan, as far as I know. But in the end it requires you to work it, if you want it to work. And, not everyone works at weight loss or healthy eating or exercise. My "secret", I guess, is that I got pissed off enough at myself to actually work the plan. To date, I've lost 57 pounds.

Anyway, I read an article that says "A new study of 10 popular diet programs [that] finds only one has strong scientific evidence to back weight loss claims -- Weight Watchers."

What would be more useful is to find out the recidivism rates for each of the popular diet plans, including the Low Carb ones like Sugar Busters! and Atkins. This news article in Forbes goes into more details concerning the overall study. The "stick-to-it" factor for the different diet plans is about the same for each. But they still did not report on the percentage that gained back the weight after they reached their goals, or how many continued on a "healthy eating" plan that followed their weight-loss diet style.



In the end, though, it boils down to an intelligent application of "expend more calories than you take in." Whichever diet plan appeals most to a person should become a way of life.

8 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 4:41 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

Not as geeky as I thought.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

3 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 6:24 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

I put food into the dog's bowl because it was time to feed him, and he was, pardon the expression, hounding me about it. Dancing into the room, looking at me expectantly, dashing out again.

"What is it boy? Is it Timmy? Is he trapped in the well?"

No. It was suppertime, doofus.

So I put dog food into his bowl. He was happy to see the food, and he sniffed at it and then looked at me. I pointed at the food and said, "Eat." He sniffed at the food, and then looked at me and wagged the little stump of his tail.

I shrugged, and walked away.

The dog drooped, and also walked away, food untouched.

"Why'd you demand food, if you aren't going to eat it?"

He didn't answer.

A short time later, I got hungry, so I found some left overs and started preparing my own meal. The Neurotic Dog perked, then dashed over to his bowl. His face hovered over the bowl, as he glanced sidewise up at me, waiting. Waiting. I finished putting my own meal together, picked up my plate, and glanced over. His nose was touching the kibble in his bowl, but he still stared over at me.

I walked into the dining room. His eyes followed me, and his little tail wiggled slightly.

I sat down.

He laid down.

I dug my fork into my food, and could hear the rattle of kibble against the ceramic of his dish as he started to eat.

Dog just didn't want to eat alone, is all.

3 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 3:15 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

People watching is fun. People eavesdropping can be even moreso. When you're over-tired from many hours of frustrating delayed airport travel.

She was the epitome of New York Mother-in-law. Given that I have one of those, I know whereof I speak. He was ... the term I believe is "light in his loafers." They yattered non-stop the entire two hours while we awaited a crew change for the flight home.

"I have two chows," she snozzled in her East Coast accent, and then launched into painstaking descriptions of them both. Somewhere in the conversation, our erudite dog experts mentioned that chows apparently have the reputation of being "One Man Dogs." So they get attached to the dominant male in the household, I guess. Other manly types they apparently go all aggressive on.

After listening to UberMom tell a tale about her black chow, named for a black athlete, and her white chow, named for a white athlete, it was Mr. Lisper's turn.

"Oh, my yes, they are wonderful dogs, aren't they? My uncle has one. I went to visit him last summer? And I walked in and went right up to his red chow and told him what an amazing dog that was. Just a beautiful, beautiful dog. My uncle couldn't get over it! He told me that that was the first time King (the dog) let a man other than my uncle pet him!"

Maybe it was the cologne.

Ooh, got me one hot comment!

by gekko at 3:07 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

I heard him moan.

"S'matter, Pookie Bear?" I call him "Pookie Bear", sometimes. Don't tell him I mentioned this.

"I can't find the two tapemeasures. I know I returned them BOTH to you."

See, I have tools, and he's permitted to use them, the only caveat being he is required to put them back where he got them from or he will die a hideous death.

"Then that's where they are. Did you look there?"

With irritation, he snapped, "I said I returned them to you, and yes, I looked there."

'k. So I got up, went to where they were supposed to be, and there they were. Both of them. The orange one, and the purple one.



I grabbed 'em both and met him as he was coming back in from the garage, despondantly.

His eyes got big. "Where were they?"

"Where they belong."

"I looked there."

I know. That's why I looked there, too. I mean, hello.

3 comments make for a lot of heat

by gekko at 6:17 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

This is a for-real transcript of a conversation between two middleschoolers. I thought television made this stuff up, but apparently not:

So yeah, ok, my mom asked if you were still going to

my play and I was like "yeah" and so she wanted to see

who you were in my chorus picture thing and then she's

like "He's in 8th grade? He's going to be a freshman?"

and I was like "Um yeah." and she's like "why is he in 8th

grade?" and I was like "cuz he is?" and so she didn't know

that but she like thinks that you are my "boyfriend" and

I'm like "NO! WE ARE JUST FRIENDS!" and so you really

really need to get that across to her in the car or something

because she like doesn't believe it.

My parents like don't really like me being friends with guys

and stuff so everytime I say something about a friend that's

a guy they are like you better not like him and blah blah so

if she says anything you need to have her believe we are

just friends! Dont bring it out of nowhere but I dunno. 'k.

Byebye

by gekko at 8:31 AM as a "CrackedWit" poast

I surveyed the closet shelves looking for a space -- any space -- where I could store my scuba gear. There was precious little. Shelf upon shelf, row upon row, all was taken up by shoes. I counted them. Four pair were mine: slippers, sandals, athletic shoes and dress pumps. The rest of the approximately two hundred pair of shoes (I may be exaggerating a wee bit) belonged to The Spousal Unit.

This morning as he dressed for church, he commented on his brown dress shoes. "They're getting floppy in the soles. I need new ..."

"Don't say it!"

"... shoes."

I walked him into the closet. "What's wrong with any of these other shoes?"

"I need different shoes for different activities."

I pointed to the black dress shoes. "Those are black." he said, helpfully.

"Black shoes don't go with anything?"

"Brown pants call for brown shoes." He looked at me as though I were stupid.

I looked at the tan pants I was wearing, and the black sandals I was wearing and rolled my eyes.

Thirty of the pairs are athletic shoes. Rock climbing shoes. Hiking shoes. Mountain climbing shoes. Shoes with arch support. Shoes without. Older shoes he wears when doing messy work. Walking around the house shoes. Walking on the street shoes. Standing around in the workshop shoes. Getting cans of soda from the pantry and putting them in the refrigerator shoes.

Twenty pairs are varying types of sandals. Easy to put on sandals. More difficult to put on sandals that don't come off your feet when you're tubing down the river. Old sandals for when he's washing down the sidewalks. Pebbly sandals that feel good on your feet.

Four pairs are leather "docksiders." We have no docks. We have no boat.

Two pair are moccasins -- one of them made from elk hide. He doesn't wear those. He's afraid of ruining them. They were expensive.

One pair of black dress shoes. One pair of floppy-soled brown dress shoes.

He tells me he's going shoe shopping after church today.

I'm thinking "garage sale."

by gekko at 7:39 PM as a "CrackedWit" poast

I think the Spousal Unit may be allergic to movie popcorn. On our way home from the movies this afternoon, he started undergoing some hellacious cramping. This continued for some time after we got home.

While he was moaning -- even starting to feel nauseous -- our daughter called.

"Is daddy there?"

"What's up, sweetie?" I didn't want to tell her he was too busy letting out rippers that were scaring the dog. Daughters need to maintain an image of their daddies that doesn't include pipeline explosions that make Mount Vesuvius look like a party favor.

"I need to ask him a question. Is he there?"

"Um. He's here, but he needs to call you back."

"Why? What's he doing?"

I'm not very clever on the phone. One reason I hate phone calls and love e-mail is that I just can't think as quickly when I've got a phone to my ear as I can when I have a keyboard beneath my fingers. It's just one of my few failings. So she had asked what her father was doing, and being loath to explain that those rumbling noises in the background were emerging from her father's buttcheeks and not a jackhammer in the street outside, I just said, "You don't want to know. I'll have him call you back."

Eventually the Spousal Unit's pain subsided and he took a nap. I took out the rubber gloves, a pail of strong pine-scented cleaning fluid and a few cannisters of air freshner and did what I needed to do.

Hours passed. The phone rang. It was our daughter.

"Are you guys finished?"

Good gawd! She thought ....

I burst into laughter. "That's NOT what was going on. Your daddy just wasn't feeling very well at the moment. He's napping now."

The relief in her voice came through the phone just fine. "THAT'S good to know."

Gee. The girl would rather her father is ill than that he may be making the sign of the two-backed beast.

Nice kid.